It has been 4 days since I lost the two most special dogs in my life.
I will admit, I've been dreading writing this post. Every day I wake up and try to gain the strength to write this story but it escapes me.
I have never lost a dog before. My first dog was Zoey, my miniature poodle that I grew up with who I lost the very same day as Audrey. She was just a few months shy of 16 years old. I got her when I was 10 years old and she was my world. She was there for me every step of the way, from good days to bad days, to my prom and even my wedding. She has been 'old' for a very long time. I had mentally prepared myself for her death since she was about 10 years old. Mostly because dogs don't usually live to see the age 15 or 16 so I never even imagined that would be possible. When she reached age 12 I thought to myself "I need another dog", because I knew I would be getting married and moving out of the house soon and I needed something to comfort me when Zoey would eventually pass.
That's when Audrey came in. 2013 was probably one of the most stressful but best years of my life. We built a house, got married and got a puppy (Audrey).
I will admit, I've been dreading writing this post. Every day I wake up and try to gain the strength to write this story but it escapes me.
I have never lost a dog before. My first dog was Zoey, my miniature poodle that I grew up with who I lost the very same day as Audrey. She was just a few months shy of 16 years old. I got her when I was 10 years old and she was my world. She was there for me every step of the way, from good days to bad days, to my prom and even my wedding. She has been 'old' for a very long time. I had mentally prepared myself for her death since she was about 10 years old. Mostly because dogs don't usually live to see the age 15 or 16 so I never even imagined that would be possible. When she reached age 12 I thought to myself "I need another dog", because I knew I would be getting married and moving out of the house soon and I needed something to comfort me when Zoey would eventually pass.
That's when Audrey came in. 2013 was probably one of the most stressful but best years of my life. We built a house, got married and got a puppy (Audrey).
 Amanda & Audrey 2014 |  Dave, Amanda & Zoey 2010 |
Everything else from there is history... life goes on, we started a life here in Musquodoboit Harbour, built a farm and added two more poodles to our family (Bogart and Lucy) and I still occasionally visited Zoey who lived with my Mom and step Dad in Dartmouth.
As everyone knows, Audrey had puppies December 1st 2016. The birth was flawless and she was a wonderful mother to her 8 little babies. On January 8th 2017, when the puppies were just over 5 weeks old, Audrey fell very ill. She had a large mass in her belly and I noted a high fever. We rushed her to emergency and was diagnosed with Evan's Syndrome and Lyme disease. She was given 8 different medications (Prednisone, ASA, Sulcrate, Doxycycline, Azathioprin, Metronidazole, Pepcid, Fortiflora and 2 other perscriptions that she never managed to take). So as you can imagine - that is no life for a dog. All those pills were hard on her. She was hospitalized for a week (see my previous post 'Audrey's battle with Evan's' for more info on that). She came home and did very well for two weeks. Her PCV went up to 36% and she was eating and playing again just like her normal self. On February 3rd I could tell something wasn't right. She seemed 'off'. I let her out for a pee and poop and when she came in she had blood all over her back end and down her legs. We rushed her to emerg again and they said she likely had a bleed from all her medications and was also probably not responding to treatment. We checked her PCV and it was at 22% which is not great because it was steadily declining from just a few days ago. Saturday Feb 4 her PCV was up to 24% but that evening she again had explosive bloody diarrhea and was clearly in discomfort. On Monday Feb 6th her PCV was at 21% and Tuesday 20%.
Wednesday February 8th I woke to let Audrey outside before work. She wouldn't drink but ate snow like she was dying of thirst. She came inside the house and stood awkwardly like she was in pain and wouldn't walk, just stood there still looking at me hunched. She had these eyes that I will never forget, they looked sad and tired and I could see she was trying to tell me "mom it hurts". Her belly was distended from her enlarged spleen working over time trying to fight this awful disease. Her gums were whiter then I have ever noticed. Her hair was long so it masked her weight loss. She vomited before I left for work. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it was the end. I took this picture before I left the house for work.
As everyone knows, Audrey had puppies December 1st 2016. The birth was flawless and she was a wonderful mother to her 8 little babies. On January 8th 2017, when the puppies were just over 5 weeks old, Audrey fell very ill. She had a large mass in her belly and I noted a high fever. We rushed her to emergency and was diagnosed with Evan's Syndrome and Lyme disease. She was given 8 different medications (Prednisone, ASA, Sulcrate, Doxycycline, Azathioprin, Metronidazole, Pepcid, Fortiflora and 2 other perscriptions that she never managed to take). So as you can imagine - that is no life for a dog. All those pills were hard on her. She was hospitalized for a week (see my previous post 'Audrey's battle with Evan's' for more info on that). She came home and did very well for two weeks. Her PCV went up to 36% and she was eating and playing again just like her normal self. On February 3rd I could tell something wasn't right. She seemed 'off'. I let her out for a pee and poop and when she came in she had blood all over her back end and down her legs. We rushed her to emerg again and they said she likely had a bleed from all her medications and was also probably not responding to treatment. We checked her PCV and it was at 22% which is not great because it was steadily declining from just a few days ago. Saturday Feb 4 her PCV was up to 24% but that evening she again had explosive bloody diarrhea and was clearly in discomfort. On Monday Feb 6th her PCV was at 21% and Tuesday 20%.
Wednesday February 8th I woke to let Audrey outside before work. She wouldn't drink but ate snow like she was dying of thirst. She came inside the house and stood awkwardly like she was in pain and wouldn't walk, just stood there still looking at me hunched. She had these eyes that I will never forget, they looked sad and tired and I could see she was trying to tell me "mom it hurts". Her belly was distended from her enlarged spleen working over time trying to fight this awful disease. Her gums were whiter then I have ever noticed. Her hair was long so it masked her weight loss. She vomited before I left for work. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it was the end. I took this picture before I left the house for work.
My last picture of Audrey at home Feb 8/17
At 1pm my Mom called me and she was at the vet with Zoey who was not doing well and we got the news that Zoey had to be put down. Zoey had pancreatitis (and a heart murmur) but was very sensitive to what she eats and we almost lost her over a year ago but she fought through it. At this stage Zoey was mostly deaf and blind and wasn't really herself anymore. She had recently gotten into a bag of coconut and never really recovered and weakened over the last few days not eating or drinking. We sat with Zoey and held her as she drifted away from this world leaving us with empty broken hearts.
 Amanda & Zoey - Prom 2009 |  Zoey 2010 |
After saying goodbye to Zoey I returned to work to try to finish my day as a distraction from my reality. At around 2:30pm Dave called and said he was at emerg again with Audrey. She was not doing well and her PCV had dropped to 16%. I left work and joined Dave at the vet. Audrey was laying there on a soft blanket with no energy to get up and greet me. I sat next to her on the floor and gave her a big hug. The vet explained that given her symptoms she is anemic and needs a blood transfusion now. If we do another transfusion it would give her about a 5% chance of survival. She was on the maximum amount of all her medications and was not responding to them, which is the only thing that could keep her alive, a transfusion will just cause her more discomfort and essentially prolong the inevitable... and possibly result in her passing away when were not around. That's when we had to make the choice. Now I will tell you the vets here are wonderful. Even when Audrey was at her most trying time they did not loose hope and gave us positivity to keep moving. But this time was different, I could see it in the eyes of all the staff at the office...the true sadness... and I knew because I know they know when it's time because they see it every day. My heart sank to the bottom of the deepest ocean. They then gave her a shot of pain killers to help her relax before euthanizing her. I held her as tight as I could burying my face in her chest never wanting to let go, praying I would wake up from this awful nightmare. Dave kissed her sweet face and scratched her head (her favorite spot). I felt her take a breath and then waited for another but her chest stayed the same. I knew she was gone. I will never forget looking into her eyes and telling her how sorry I was and that I loved her and that she was a good girl. She would do anything if you told her she was a good girl. I wish I could have given her more time. My heart aches for her more then anything. I will never forget walking out the door and seeing my baby laying on the floor completely lifeless and having to leave her behind. A piece of me left with her and I will never be the same.
Audrey Feb 4 2017
July 7 2013 Getting all the kisses from sweet Audrey
Back in December I took my Dad to see a Medium to try to connect with his common law wife who had recently passed (Karen). She said to me "Karen will be the one to greet the white dog when she passes." I thought to myself, "White dog? Audrey is perfectly healthy, so it can't possibly be her."
When Audrey was given her diagnosis just 2 weeks after my visit with the medium I knew right away what would happen.
When Audrey was given her diagnosis just 2 weeks after my visit with the medium I knew right away what would happen.
Below are a few photo's of Audrey's final days. You can tell from her photos that she was not herself. She didn't have her usual 'smile' or perky behavior. She wouldn't even acknowledge me for a treat.
I have spent the last 4 days trying to deal with my many emotions flying around. I have been trying to do good in Audrey's memory. She touched a lot of hearts in this world. As much as the pain is so awful that I wish I could delete that she existed so I could find peace, I know that is not the answer. The answer is to put her into everything I do. Every bit of kindness I do for Audrey to give back for the kindness we received from everyone during this awful time for our family.
We will probably plant two trees in the summer, one for Zoey and one for Audrey.
I wear Audrey's dog tag around my neck to feel close to her until I have something made in honor of my two girls.
Only time will help heal these wounds of ours. Every day I find a little more peace with myself but I will never forget the love I have for these two precious girls. I am glad they are no longer suffering but the selfish part of me wants them to stay forever no matter what.
They were both my inspiration with poodles and in breeding.
See you at the rainbow bridge my precious angels.
We will probably plant two trees in the summer, one for Zoey and one for Audrey.
I wear Audrey's dog tag around my neck to feel close to her until I have something made in honor of my two girls.
Only time will help heal these wounds of ours. Every day I find a little more peace with myself but I will never forget the love I have for these two precious girls. I am glad they are no longer suffering but the selfish part of me wants them to stay forever no matter what.
They were both my inspiration with poodles and in breeding.
See you at the rainbow bridge my precious angels.
A painting I did of Audrey and Zoey
Here are some more pictures of my boos that I miss dearly.
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I'll love you forever.
-Amanda
-Amanda