When you have dogs you know that one day you will have to face that dreary day that we all hate to talk about. The day we all pretend will never happen. The day we expect to happen when they are old and grey and are 'ready' and when you are 'ready as you can be', but the truth is we are never ready. It's the day that we say goodbye to our most loyal companion and have to carry on the rest of our life without them. The day we watch them take their very last breath, completely unaware of the concept of death. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they understand death more then we do and that's why they don't grieve like we grieve and are so relaxed during death. Either way, it doesn't make my heart any more or less lost.

Today Audrey's paw print came in the mail and I am reliving the grief I have been trying to tuck away.

It's been 11 days since Audrey passed and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I miss her every day. Part of me wonders if the reason why I can carry on without her is that deep down I'm waiting for her to come back home, even though she wont.

"When I get to heaven the first thing I am going to do is find you... The second thing I'm going to do is never let you go again."

I did the only thing that I knew might help my pain of loosing Audrey and Zoey. I symbol of my love for them and for all my dog and other pets. My love for them is unconditional and eternal.

I'm usually pretty optimistic about things in life. I always try to find the silver lining. But this has been a real challenge for me because even when I see the silver lining, the selfish part of me doesn't care and wishes I could go back in time and change things so I could have my girls back. 
​
I miss you girls so much. 
I love you.

Back in December, just after the puppies were born we had an amazing photographer Jen, owner of Partridge Photography, come by and do some pictures of the puppies! (She also did our anniversary photos back in July 2016).

She had the idea to do a newborn photo shoot but with puppies instead. we loved the idea! So she came by, wrapped the puppies up in swaddles and did her thing! Here's how they turned out...

Ps. Click the mini albums to see the pictures in full view!

Enjoy!!!

Has your heart melted yet?!

​-Amanda

Given the fact that there has been a WHOLE LOT of depressing stuff happening around our house.... I'd like to lighten the mood a little and give everyone an update on how all the puppies are doing in their new homes!

​We got to spend some time with two of Audrey's puppies on the weekend. It was nice to see them and see bits of Audrey's personality in the puppies. It gave me something to cuddle which helps us feel close to her even though she is not with us anymore.

See below for a little 'scratch on the surface' of the puppies new lives!

Also, this photo here I had to post. It was the puppies last day at our house and I love that I can see Audrey peering in the back :) 

Luna lives with a family of 4 (with two young children) in the Halifax area and has adjusted well to her new family!

​"Luna is doing well. She has learned sit, down, and roll over and is sleeping at night in her crate."

Mocha lives in Dartmouth with his Mom and Dad (who just happen to be my best friends). He is doing great with crate and pee training! 

Rosie lives with her Mom and Dad in the Halifax area. She also has a sister who is a Standard Poodle, her name is Sophie! They love going for walks together at Point Pleasant Park!

"Rosie has an amazing personality, so loving and gentle, but so full of confidence.  She is truly one of Audrey's wonderful gifts to the world. "

Watson lives with my Dad and makes great company for him. He says she's hilarious and always makes him laugh with all the silly things she does. Watson also gets to spend lots of time with my Grandmothers dogs, Tank and Toby. She also gets lots of play time at our house with our dogs, Lucy and Bogart! 

Mugzy lives with his Mom and Dad in New Glasgow, NS. He loves playing outside in the snow and is enjoying his new life with his family who are first time dog owners!!

Sasha lives in Halifax with her big happy family! She is so lucky that she even has two furry siblings at home, a golden retriever and a Standard Poodle! It just so happens that Hunter (the Standard Poodle) is Audrey's brother. Isn't Sasha lucky to live with her uncle!

"Sasha is a doll!  We love her.  She is full of energy and curiosity - and she is clearly super smart!  We have taken her on long walks - and she does incredibly well - even through heavy snow!"

Emmy lives in Truro, NS with her Mom and Dad. She loves playing outside and has adjusted well to crate training!

"Well let me just say thank you for such a lovely puppy. She is a gem. We have decided to call her Emmy. Better suited for her personality. Emmy the little star. ​"

Coco lives in Dartmouth with her Mom, Dad and Standard Poodle sister Scarlett! She'll be staying with us for a week in February and we can't wait to spend some time with her!

"We love her!!! She fits in so well! She has such a sweet personality!"

And they all lived happily ever after....

​-Amanda

It has been 4 days since I lost the two most special dogs in my life.
I will admit, I've been dreading writing this post. Every day I wake up and try to gain the strength to write this story but it escapes me. 

I have never lost a dog before. My first dog was Zoey, my miniature poodle that I grew up with who I lost the very same day as Audrey. She was just a few months shy of 16 years old. I got her when I was 10 years old and she was my world. She was there for me every step of the way, from good days to bad days, to my prom and even my wedding.  She has been 'old' for a very long time. I had mentally prepared myself for her death since she was about 10 years old. Mostly because dogs don't usually live to see the age 15 or 16 so I never even imagined that would be possible. When she reached age 12 I thought to myself "I need another dog", because I knew I would be getting married and moving out of the house soon and I needed something to comfort me when Zoey would eventually pass.

That's when Audrey came in. 2013 was probably one of the most stressful but best years of my life. We built a house, got married and got a puppy (Audrey). 

Everything else from there is history... life goes on, we started a life here in Musquodoboit Harbour, built a farm and added two more poodles to our family (Bogart and Lucy) and I still occasionally visited Zoey who lived with my Mom and step Dad in Dartmouth. 

As everyone knows, Audrey had puppies December 1st 2016. The birth was flawless and she was a wonderful mother to her 8 little babies. On January 8th 2017, when the puppies were just over 5 weeks old, Audrey fell very ill. She had a large mass in her belly and I noted a high fever. We rushed her to emergency and was diagnosed with Evan's Syndrome and Lyme disease. She was given 8 different medications (Prednisone, ASA, Sulcrate, Doxycycline, Azathioprin, Metronidazole, Pepcid, Fortiflora and 2 other perscriptions that she never managed to take). So as you can imagine - that is no life for a dog. All those pills were hard on her. She was hospitalized for a week (see my previous post 'Audrey's battle with Evan's' for more info on that). She came home and did very well for two weeks. Her PCV went up to 36% and she was eating and playing again just like her normal self. On February 3rd I could tell something wasn't right. She seemed 'off'. I let her out for a pee and poop and when she came in she had blood all over her back end and down her legs. We rushed her to emerg again and they said she likely had a bleed from all her medications and was also probably not responding to treatment. We checked her PCV and it was at 22% which is not great because it was steadily declining from just a few days ago. Saturday Feb 4 her PCV was up to 24% but that evening she again had explosive bloody diarrhea and was clearly in discomfort. On Monday Feb 6th her PCV was at 21% and Tuesday 20%.

Wednesday February 8th I woke to let Audrey outside before work. She wouldn't drink but ate snow like she was dying of thirst. She came inside the house and stood awkwardly like she was in pain and wouldn't walk, just stood there still looking at me hunched. She had these eyes that I will never forget, they looked sad and tired and I could see she was trying to tell me "mom it hurts". Her belly was distended from her enlarged spleen working over time trying to fight this awful disease. Her gums were whiter then I have ever noticed. Her hair was long so it masked her weight loss. She vomited before I left for work. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it was the end. I took this picture before I left the house for work.

At 1pm my Mom called me and she was at the vet with Zoey who was not doing well and we got the news that Zoey had to be put down. Zoey had pancreatitis (and a heart murmur) but was very sensitive to what she eats and we almost lost her over a year ago but she fought through it. At this stage Zoey was mostly deaf and blind and wasn't really herself anymore. She had recently gotten into a bag of coconut and never really recovered and weakened over the last few days not eating or drinking. We sat with Zoey and held her as she drifted away from this world leaving us with empty broken hearts. 

After saying goodbye to Zoey I returned to work to try to finish my day as a distraction from my reality. At around 2:30pm Dave called and said he was at emerg again with Audrey. She was not doing well and her PCV had dropped to 16%. I left work and joined Dave at the vet. Audrey was laying there on a soft blanket with no energy to get up and greet me. I sat next to her on the floor and gave her a big hug. The vet explained that given her symptoms she is anemic and needs a blood transfusion now. If we do another transfusion it would give her about a 5% chance of survival. She was on the maximum amount of all her medications and was not responding to them, which is the only thing that could keep her alive, a transfusion will just cause her more discomfort and essentially prolong the inevitable... and possibly result in her passing away when were not around. That's when we had to make the choice. Now I will tell you the vets here are wonderful. Even when Audrey was at her most trying time they did not loose hope and gave us positivity to keep moving. But this time was different, I could see it in the eyes of all the staff at the office...the true sadness... and I knew because I know they know when it's time because they see it every day. My heart sank to the bottom of the deepest ocean. They then gave her a shot of pain killers to help her relax before euthanizing her. I held her as tight as I could burying my face in her chest never wanting to let go, praying I would wake up from this awful nightmare. Dave kissed her sweet face and scratched her head (her favorite spot). I felt her take a breath and then waited for another but her chest stayed the same. I knew she was gone. I will never forget looking into her eyes and telling her how sorry I was and that I loved her and that she was a good girl. She would do anything if you told her she was a good girl. I wish I could have given her more time. My heart aches for her more then anything. I will never forget walking out the door and seeing my baby laying on the floor completely lifeless and having to leave her behind. A piece of me left with her and I will never be the same.

Back in December I took my Dad to see a Medium to try to connect with his common law wife who had recently passed (Karen). She said to me "Karen will be the one to greet the white dog when she passes." I thought to myself, "White dog? Audrey is perfectly healthy, so it can't possibly be her."
When Audrey was given her diagnosis just 2 weeks after my visit with the medium I knew right away what would happen. 
​​

Below are a few photo's of Audrey's final days. You can tell from her photos that she was not herself. She didn't have her usual 'smile' or perky behavior. She wouldn't even acknowledge me for a treat. 

I have spent the last 4 days trying to deal with my many emotions flying around. I have been trying to do good in Audrey's memory. She touched a lot of hearts in this world. As much as the pain is so awful that I wish I could delete that she existed so I could find peace, I know that is not the answer. The answer is to put her into everything I do. Every bit of kindness I do for Audrey to give back for the kindness we received from everyone during this awful time for our family. 

We will probably plant two trees in the summer, one for Zoey and one for Audrey. 
I wear Audrey's dog tag around my neck to feel close to her until I have something made in honor of my two girls.

Only time will help heal these wounds of ours. Every day I find a little more peace with myself but I will never forget the love I have for these two precious girls. I am glad they are no longer suffering but the selfish part of me wants them to stay forever no matter what.
​They were both my inspiration with poodles and in breeding. 

​See you at the rainbow bridge my precious angels.

Here are some more pictures of my boos that I miss dearly.

I'll love you forever.

-Amanda

Sunday was a big day here in the Clarke household. 7 of our 8 puppies went off to their new homes! I was surprised with myself as I wasn't as emotional as I expected. I think it was mostly because I knew all the puppies were going to wonderful homes that would provide way more attention and love to them individually then I ever could. 

We have 1 puppy left until the end of February (don't worry she's already spoken for). She's a DOLL. She is so smart and loving and she knows it! We would keep her if we could. She's learning the ropes on how to be a dog from our 3 and catching on very fast!

For those of you wondering about our next litter we will hopefully be having another one this year but not any time soon. Because Audrey got sick we likely wont breed her again because it puts her health at risk. Pregnancy could compromise her immune system which could slip her out of remission and also kill any developing babies. We are really sad about this because she had an amazing litter of puppies but at the end of the day she is a living and barking miracle, so we are just happy to have her with us!! 

Also, an update on Audrey for those whom I don't have on Facebook & Instagram..... we took her for a PCV test last night and her counts are up to 36%. Still not normal, but getting close!! She's on the mend to say the least!

As most of you know, Lucy is next in line for breeding. She will be 2 in May 2017 and we'll get her health tested and hopefully she'll be in the clear from any genetic problems. We suspect she will be fine because she is healthy as a... Fish? Moose? Clam? I forget the expression. Wait, horse.. it's horse isn't it.
​If all goes as planned we will breed her when her next heat arrives after that. Our STUD still has not been chosen yet for that future litter BUT we already have a waiting list for her first litter so get your name on there if you're thinking about it!! :)

Hopefully soon I'll be able to compile some photo's of the puppies in their new homes and show them off :) .. So owners out there, if you're reading this send me pics!! 

- Amanda